Saturday, February 18, 2012

Dirty Talk.- A birthday Post.


When one comes to know that a bored chap and a bored smartass female voice chat, one assumes (mainly my guy friends) that there is a lot of phone sex involved. Oh yes, you should see their faces lighting up with disturbing pleasure.

It takes a lot of time and energy to reassure them that its nothing of that sort. I still suspect most of them don't believe me. But then, teenage boys contain a super gene called MakeEverySituationIntoAPorno. You might just be an innocent girl in school asking your classmate for a notebook and what he'll perceive is, you panting, opening your collar button,  sighing, extending a bare arm reaching out for the notebook, fingering the bead of sweat on your neck and then what follows inside his head is something as predictable as my best friend feeling hungry at 11:00 a.m.

But, this post isn't about her or me. This is about my not-so-much pen pal any more who probably should be imprisoned for asking someone 6 years younger to write- QUOTE-  "a dirty birthday post" as a birthday gift.

Okay, he's probably not THAT fat.. STILL. Its my blog xD


APPLAUD! Or don't. Whatever you want.
If you ever recorded a conversation between him and me, it will be something along these lines-

Me- "So you'd never guess what happened today!"
S- "Uh-huh."
Me- "It turns out... BLAHBLAHBLAH.. and then he said BLAHBLAHBLAH.. I said.. BLABBLAB.. you there?"
S- "Uh-huh."
Me- "Great. So later it came out to the open that BLAHBLAHBLAH I'm so cool BLAHBLAH The coolster I am- you there?"
S- "Ye-p."
Me- "Sooooperr! So anyhoo, as the whole thing progressed I realized something- BLAHBLAHBLAH I'm                      so awesome blahblah ... and it just struck me...blahblahblah... Still there?"
S- "Yes."
Me- "Wonderful! Blahblahblah.... "
By the last five minutes of the conversation-

Me- "Enough about me! You tell me how was your day?!"
But before he starts I can mentally predict every key word of his inside my head
"Nothing much. Worked. Restaurant. Tired. Sleepy. Brother. Fine. Worked. Worked Worked."

Alas, I hope you get your head out of your Men's fairytale (a.k.a. Wannabe Playboy Mansion) and realize that I'm not writing you a dirty post but a letter.

So here goes

February 18th,  2012
A cold Delhi winter day. (Irrelevant Information)

Dear S,

May God bless Yahoo Messenger chat rooms, may God bless the fact that we were two people who were absolutely jobless on a very late Friday night (Saturday morning for you.) and May God bless the fact that you are you and I am me.
Also- May God bless Life for being crazy enough.
Of all the chat rooms, I ended up in the music lobby for the first time, of all the 100 people in there,  I met you,  Of all the places, I had to be here and you are ten thousand miles away but we never knew about each other's existence when we were in the same place. And the crazier thing is you turning out to be the brother of my classmate- (a very annoying classmate nonetheless). And after all that, the craziest thing of all? We've tolerated each other for 3 and a half years.
(Imagine BOSS Your DISASTROUS jokes for THREE YEARS!)

Man, I can never comprehend how you put up with my attention seeking antics, sleep through most of my crap talks like every normal guy I know- but still come up with the best answers for every one of my problems. I can honestly not understand how you put up with the million hissy fits I throw, my major intimacy issues YET manage to not creep the crap out of me even at your cheesiest best. I cannot believe that without having a single conversation for quarter of a year, we can still get along as if we spoke a couple of hours back. And I definitely can never ever ever decipher the mystery behind you remembering EVERY SINGLE thing I say and reproducing it EXACTLY the way I said it , yet from what I've gathered from our conversations- you used to fail miserably at remembering stuff from your text book during your exams.

But then ofcourse, even though I cannot understand how or why, I'm glad you are you.
 I'm glad that you have never rushed me into telling you anything.
(FYI- I think you're the only person on the planet who would speak to a stranger for 1 and half years without knowing their proper name, where they actually live (remember Neverland?), their actual age and what they do. Jeez, man, you've got the patience of a snail's bladder!
Er..snails are slow, so I assumed.. ..

I'm glad despite your memory you conveniently forget things not to be mentioned,  you don't poke into the past and you're a good human being despite your cheap and substandard jokes.  I'm glad you let me be when I don't want to be bothered. I love it that even in the most awkward conversations, you don't let it be awkward. You're like this.. human being with an inbuilt manual to deal with me. (It'll be a Best seller by the way :P)
But then, the best best BEST part is that with a thousand conversations behind us, you still don't pretend or assume  that you know me inside out. You accept that there is still stuff that you don't know. And the strangest thing is apart from Nil (I love you more, my darling bengali, and you too Van-ta babe), I don't think I've told anyone about me more than I've told you.

Just so you know- you're not allowed to gloat about this the next time we speak.

Oh and another thing, I don't think anybody will ever figure out how you can stay awake a whole night/ pick up a call at 6:30 in the morning (Curse the time difference between India and NZ) after slogging super hard the way you do JUST to talk to a person ten thousand miles away.

I am very sorry for filling up the RAM inside your head with details of people in my life (friends, enemies, families, crushes), my memories, my never ending stories. I apologize for every time you felt I've lied to you, I apologize for recoiling every time things seemed to go fine (Yes Intimacy Issues are lovely) and I truly am VERY sorry for ruining your sleep so many times in the last three and half years.

But then,. I have to tell you that I have a plan-

YOU. ME. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOADS of beer. and hitting on hot women/ men (Since its your birthday, we'll assume I'm gay as it gives you never ending joy to accuse me of being one.)

And that plan will last as long as you're you, and I'm me.
So don't worry, even if you get married ( to a woman) by then, I'll make sure I'm your wingman/wingwoman while you try your luck at an extramarital affair. (Hah! Guts toh hai nahi..Extramarital my ass.)

Like I've said before, I don't know HOW the hell we met, or WHY the hell we met. But I sure thank God for June 26th,  2009.

Laugh more often, S, I like it when you do.
A beautiful and happy Birthday to you :)


But then,............... can't go without granting your birthday wish xD

Dirty talk.

P.S. Did I ever mention I'm a fan of your voice too?


To all those who just read this post- I'm cooler in real life. Internet just makes me sound sappy and cheap.
The above mentioned person is not to be considered cool..Kindly  ignore any praises of him.


Baba Vaniteshwar said...

I'm not 17 yet and I read the post :P

And happy birthday to ze pen pal!

NG said...

This is so frigging cooool!

Just so you know my bday is on Aug 28 and I'm someday going to find you at Yahoo/Facebook/Twitter etc and expect such a cool b'day post 3 years hence. Fair enough?

nil said...

Dear Suraj,
I'm pretty sure you're reading this cause men have an inherent tendency to read anything/everything that makes them look good to the general population. So, err. HAPPY BIRTHDDAYYY!! I'm trying to not be nice to you, cause it kinda pisses me off that my best friend pays you a lot of attention, but yeaa whatever I guess you're ok -.-
So yeah. Happy birthday, I guess. Try and annoy me a little less and stay blessed :)

*I'm still very adamant about not being too fond of you. It's your birthday, so here's an (almost) exception.

Also, I'm hungry way before 11 am so fuggoff. -.-
And vanta, it's past your bedtime :*

Aneesh said...

there are alot of things i wud like to say...but im not sure cyberspace is the appropriate place to voice my thoughts(@remya u dont seem to have a problem doing that though :P)

so...yeah...kiss from a rose is awesome

Remya said...

@Vanta- You smarty :P

@Nikhil- Haha!Nah, dont wait 3 years! August na? That's cool, my blog's birthday is on August as well.. so I was planning like a month long carnival or something.. We shall do a tasty post on your bday =)

Remya said...

@Nil- Cyber smooch backatcha love :)

@Aneesh- Nope, I dont have a problem with saying anything anytime.. you guessed that right. See ya bro \m/

Remya said...

@Nil- Cyber smooch backatcha love :)

@Aneesh- Nope, I dont have a problem with saying anything anytime.. you guessed that right. See ya bro \m/