Wednesday, December 21, 2011

It happened to Me.

I remember when I was in the fourth grade and had read every book in my li'l library- a lame place where my folks used to keep all the books that could be read by me without the loss of my innocence. (Heh.)
Suddenly, I came across a comic book lying around the house called Tinkle.
 From then on, began a whirlwind affair that lasted a year- Tinkle and Me, Me and Tinkle. Now it sounds gay, but back then, it was a pretty good idea. Anyhooo, so if anybody was ever travelling to someplace and asked me what they should get me, I'd reply- Tinkle. Get me some copies of Tinkle.


Uncle- "Cheenu! Alley Babu...gurgle gurgle blahblah..filana filana... I'm going to  ..Do you want me to get something for you from there?"
Me- "Sure, Tinkle."
Uncle- "Huh?"
Me- "Tinkle. It's a comic book."
Uncle- "Uhhh... I know that. But I'm travelling by a flight. They don't have Tinkle there in the airports." He said with a snicker.

Ofcourse, back then, I thought he was a cheap person who didn't really want to spend the 20 bucks, so I just ignored him for the next ten years till I realized that he was actually speaking the truth.. 

So in Tinkle, there was a certain column where spoilt and jobless kids like me, from around the country sent embarrassing and surprising incidents from their lives and got published. Alas, back then, I always used to mope about the fact that I had nothing- absolutely zilch,- to contribute to this column. And I, everyday of my life, prayed that something bad, embarrassing, strange would happen to me ASAP.

It seems, like the prayers reached a few years late. Because, trust me, the amount of crap that seems to happening to me these days is NOT EVEN funny.
AND THE WORST PART? I'm much ABOVE THE AGE LIMIT TO GET PUBLISHED IN THE "It happened to me" column. So I cannot even send stuff there.

I'll tell you my last 12 hours-

I got bit by a dog- And it was raving crazy. It went berserk when I tried to stand still, so it decided to nip my arms off instead. 
That's when I realized that I might look something like this- 

So I hurriedly tried to wrench my arms off of its mouth and tried to look for an escape. The most intriguing part? How your brain just STOPS functioning when you're facing an angry dog. 
I looked for an escape route- and discovered that I had none. If I ran upstairs, I'd have to pass him, if I ran downstairs it would run after me like a maniac. pretty much when I noticed the common verandah of the first floor flats and decided to jump off that instead. But- by that time, the little champ of a dog had already clamped his unattractive jaws around my left leg.

I figured- it's not such a big distance and I had already once tried jumping off the first floor- and though back then I had safety precautions with me, this time I had none. But- I had a fairly good idea how to do it. So though I jumped on my face, in a split nanosecond, I figured I wouldn't have any of my teeth left and turned myself to land on my back instead... you know... to cushion the fall.
Too bad. That's when it hit me, I  had never in my whole life, ever experienced such a pain. EVER. And without realizing it, I heard this gross moaning from somewhere around.. It went..

Something similar to how this guy would react-

That is when I realized that THAT sound was coming from MY voice box. NOW,  I have sung so many times, that I found it almost impossible to believe that such a frightening sound would escape my larynx.

Oh and you wanna know the first thing that entered my mind when I fell?
"Oh God, please don't let my parents know."

So I don't know what happened after that. I kind of blanked out for a minute or two there out of the crazy pain, while I went;

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... HOLY Mother................." 

No, I didn't continue that. As I was aware that I would have company pretty soon. Everybody from ALL the nearby houses came out on hearing the frightening noises that I was making- leaving their dinner, clothes (scarring) and everything aside. 
Meanwhile, someone picked me up while I tried to calm myself down. 
I had like a dozen hands poking me here and there asking me if anything was broken (Even if it wasn't, I'm sure their furious pokes would've broken something), while four kids brought down a sofa (A sofa?!) downstairs to make me sit on it. And while I drowned out the voices around me, I couldn't suppress a smile.

My arms and knees had literally been wrenched apart by this dog, I had jumped from the first floor and ironically, I was the most calm person around.
To top it all, the people who had been taking care of the dog, came downstairs and asked me with due concern, "Is your pant torn?"
I guess that did it.
I choked on laughter and I hid my face from everybody- pretending to cry. If they figured I was laughing then they'd think there was something wrong with me. Now that is a secret, I do not want them to know. I have to live here, for God's sake!

Around five minutes after that. my mum and dad came downstairs and from there I would not continue. It kind of involves gross descrips of ER's, dead bodies,  injections, savlon rubbing, X-rays... CT's.
But the nurse did throw me nervous looks, wondering why I was so cheerful. Later, she asked me in malayalam (Don't blame me...every sixth nurse on the planet is malayali), "Did you cry?"
I shook my head distractedly as I fiddled with her Rounds sheet and said,. "No...I'm worried about the dog, though."
After that, she pretty much hurriedly tied me up..

3 hours later, at midnight, as I sobbed my tear glands dry because I was worried that the RWA people would throw the dog out after this incident. It disturbed me- the thought that it would have to live in this brutal cold without anybody looking after it. 
That's when I got a missed call from Aneesh (a.k.a Blog Stalker).And he made me  laugh about the whole incident for an hour.
The chap couldn't believe that I'd jumped. 
"JUMPED?! JUMPED????" That...would be something similar to how he reacted (in much sober words)

Now I'm confined to my house, as it embarrasses me to no extent- all those random neighbors I've never spoken to, coming an inquiring after my health, and remembering me as the girl who jumped from the first floor because a dog bit her.
And to think that I cannot even send this to the bloody Tinkle column. It's a shame. I bet I would've become super popular after this one.

Shit happens.

With a very sprained ankle, 4 dog bite scars, 2 injection-sore arms and a totally screwed back,
Much love and all that.


Zoha said...

I feel terrible for laughing at this, cause you suffered so much pain, but HAHAHAHA! You're awesome, I'm definitely coming back here!

The Me. said...

Okay, that limbless cartoon up there? Cutest.

And OmG, i've never been bit by a dog =[ . Err, not that I want to but.. oh well. I mean. Yeah.
You're gonna have fun telling the story to just about everybody you know, now. =p

Heal soon! :D

Priyanka Banerjee said...

Ouch! Sounds erm, complicated! :P
Hope you feel better now.
Oh and oh, not that Im bragging or anything but I once got a story published in that column. And got Rs.25 for it too B)
And I just HAD to read Tinkle-s during train journeys, no matter what. Didnt like the Digest version too much though. The magazine was great though. Uncle Pai was so awesome *wipes tear from eye(and not in a sarcastic way)*

Aneesh said...

u mentioned me.....and called me the blog stalker
my life is complete

Remya said...

Zoha, Hello! and naaaah you're not the last one to laugh at this, so I'm glad it humored you. Atleast something came out of this whole incident ;)
And oh, do come back, you're most welcome. But- at your own risk. There can be a WHOLE lot of nonsense here.

@ZaaaaaaMe-Awhhhh yeah! I know what you mean. I milked the whole incident THROUGH and THROUGH (I just realized, "milked" sounds gross)
And the sympathy was theeee best part =)
But the attention wasn't what I wanted :|
But thanks a ton for your wishes!

Remya said...

@Priyanka- Oh I do! Thanks for asking! And ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh even you got published in "It Happened to Me". That's just great. :|
I am jealous.
Agreed agreed, dear comrade. Uncle Pai was za hot Mama dyoode.

Remya said...

Aneesh, Hahaha..wait till you see my latest post, then. You'll die on an orgasm./

Anonymous said...

nothing broke.. this is not right ... chalo pehley toh sirf watchman knew u in ur place not atlest the neighbors also know u ;)

Remya said...

Oh shutaaaap. Isn't a sprain bad enough?? And its bloody stubborn..won't even heal :|