Thursday, December 15, 2011

2011- Bite your tongue and nod your head.

I started this year with some people I thought I'd never lose. There were some that I knew I'll stick with for a long time to come, and when the year is coming to a close, I realize that I'm not with them... or they're not with me or I don't want to be with them. It's a matter of choice, really.

Also, I always did believe that every year is about becoming a better person, but somehow, this year I became someone I'm still yet to get acquainted with- is it a better person? Like I said, I'm not sure. It's strange when you cannot recognize yourself anymore.

Oh, and I never, in my wildest dreams, think that I'll become close to some of those chosen few... yet I did, and I realized that I don't like being close to them at all and that there is no charm in it.

And there were others- very few others... I loved meeting. Though this year has taught me that I cannot really say much for the future, but right now, I love having them in my life. They may be the ones who stalk my blog everyday, then the ones who call you every time they get their chemotherapy report.. then there are the ones who are your math partners plus secret confidantes... I got my two rakhi brothers- absolute darlings... See, the point is, you like having them around, they are simple and nobody in the planet would think that you guys are close friends when you actually are.That is, a very beautiful friendship- free from ostentatious chains.

Then there those friends who you lost- due to your mistake, or their's or somebody else's. And you can't or rather, you do not want to go back to being friends, because what has happened has happened. And it will stay like that. You'll miss them, but if you know that it is really the best thing to happen, you don't really want do anything about it.

AWGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. THEN come the ones you ARE with and everything about them is a source of annoyance to you because their reality is a tad bit more profound than your friendship. Your mostly irreverent and critical outlook can only see how they lie, how they want to be liked by everyone, how they have the worst thoughts about themselves, some who are too much in denial to confront the bad in themselves and just shrug their shoulders and say "Whatever, man"...
The problem is, who they are, is not really who you want to be with. And you look for a way out, and you wait for it.
 Time to quit them. Aah, 2012, you're going to be tricky.

After all. what is life but you and the world around?

In a way - I thought 2011 will be this big fat year. And to be honest, though the prediction came true- 2011 seemed more of unwanted but much necessary baby fat.... rather than the cheese fat I was hoping it would be.

Was it a good year? I'll bite my tongue and nod my head.

There still are 15 days left.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can relate to that.This entire post in fact
And I second it too. Even the line "After all. what is life but you and the world around?"
Two years back, tht was my one big dilemma. But we all fight to become better as we cannot change the world around us. and if its still tht uncomfortable, its nt always bad to lose those few ppl if it makes you happy in the long run.

You're gonna feel tremendously lonely. So remember that its all worth it in the end, I cn vouch for it. Just keep your head.

From the little that I've read around ur blog, I'll say you'll get thru- wid better company of friends, love and hopefully a better new year.

Oh I hope your friend gets better- the chemo report person.
God bless
Much care

Remya said...

Wow....thank you...That was a very...long and supportive response :)

Thank you, it means a lot to me...Though, I wish you'd left your name.

Take care :)