Sunday, March 18, 2012

A blogger's secrets- An atrocious essay.


Now it's been a while that I've been wanting to write a post like this one. Earlier titled 'Manners, Dear Blogger!', 'Secrets of your Followers', 'What Makes Us Tick?', this poor post went through a whole lot of strange transitions before I finally decided on this one.

I began writing this somewhere in October last year.. but never really got around to publishing it because well, let's admit it, by the end of it even you'll agree with me- What the fuck is this.

But what changed my mind was a phone conversation with my best friend yesterday.. She was enlightening me with the story of some blogger she knows who apparently went ballitic recently and dropped in to EVERY Asian blog ever made till date, commented on everything,followed everyone  and did the impossible-
Doubled her followers from 50 to 100 within a week.
Okay, it takes  calibre to do that and somehow it just made me laugh so hard.
Guts and time, bro, the girl got guts and time.

Story of My Blogger virginity.

 Anybody who reads my blog regularly might have familiarised themselves with the eccentric conditions that prevail within my mind. You'll see one post which seems as if I'm high on meth, another one that seems like I just returned from an AA session, or the next one which is a poem, and the one after- a sore account of a sentimental experience. (Reminder- Please don't visit your blog when you have a crush on someone. Chances are, you will embarrass yourself.)

Well, I've been blogging since.... 2007. Back in that decade, apprehensively, under a different id, a different name, I began a blog that wanted to expose the atrocious faculty and conditions of my very private Private School. And to be frank, that blog was so goddamn boring that I wouldn't want even my pet lizard to read it.
And that reptile is just bored ALL the time.

Credits: How to draw funny cartoons

Fortunately, I changed my perception, came onto an Opinions blog- got bored of that, then I decided on a Jokes blog- successful for three months, THAT idea also seemed to bore me after a while. I think it's still alive, though I haven't visited it for the past couple of years.
Then I made up a Music blog- when I got bored of that as well...I changed it's name, look, idea and finally made it into Impact-o-life.

(For people who don't know what that is- Kindly close this window, shut you computer/laptop, take a bat and hit yourselves on the head thrice. Then log back in and repeat the procedure.)

Anyhoo, that's how I kind of lost my blogging virginity. And since I was new, I went to every blog possible to gain experience, excitedly wrote on the comment section of each blog and followed them. If I was lucky and they were very desperate, they would "follow" me as well, and thus, we would make way for a VERY awkward and gawky friendship. Now that's not the point, the point is, until I arrived at this blog, I wouldn't go farther than the standard 5- followers. All extremely desperate human beings- with a very empty comments section. That's why we say - Birds of a feather flock together.

Now if at any point during this blogpost, if you get annoyed with the overuse of Caps Lock and High font size, remember what my cousin grandpa said, "People pee."

No he didn't say that.
I mean I don't know, he kind of...died.. before we could really converse. May he R.I.P.


Rules of Blogagement.

Bloggers Block

It's pretty simple- it depends on who you want. Trust me, you'll meet these guys:

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum- Normal.
Class- Normal.
Tagline- Indifferent. Just wanna write.

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum- The No-Life's
Class- Passive Aggressive
Tagline- I'm a nice person, fight with me and I'll rip you into shreds.
About Me- Hehe. Shhhhh.

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub Phylum- the Desperates
Class- The Desperates for followers.
Tagline-  "I want you to follow me RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" GRRR.
About Me-  I have a blog, and I'd like you to follow me. Because I've followed you. And you better follow me. Because I've followed you. And you better follow me... Because I've followed you... And you better follow me Because I like a long list of followers...And I've followed you...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub phylum- The Desperates
Class- The wannabe's
Tagline- "I am so popular that I'm pretty sure you care about the color of the zip of my boyfriend's 2007 levis jeans! O.M.G. O.M.G. :D"
About Me- OMGEEEEE! Where do I start from!? See, there was this one time that I lost my nail polish, and everything went like, all dark and stuff, and it was like pink floydy... but I pulled through it all thanks to good music- Yes, Cee Lo is am-azing!! OHEMGEE He's so healing. Like, I can't even explain it to you.But then, I saw him- the guy I love desperately from the past 123o34784749057234 years and I want him and it's pretty obvious he's into me, and I've kissed him and stuff, but I LORRRVEEE writing like writing ALL the gory intimate details of the like times I've spent with him. So like, you guys are my SOULMATES and I'm no despo and stuff but  I still like having you around all the time.

Phylum- Bloggers
Class- Over Friendly's
About Me- Heyyyyyyyyyyy! Waooooooooooooow! Your blog is SO AMAZING! And OHHH! YOU WRITE SUCH AMAZING STUFF! ITS ALL SO INTELLECTUAL! And ohhhh you're GORGEOUSSSSSSSS! You're beauty with brains! My luck! I would love to be friends with you, girlfriend! xoxo. =)

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-phylum- Intellectuals
Class- Pretend Intellectuals
Tagline- "I aspire you can fathom the substantiality of the verity of my high and formidable propensity to intellect."
About Me- Hello. In french, it's "bonjour". I have had the unbelievable honor of authoring this fantabulous blog on moi- me. There is an onomasticon (thesaurus) endemic to me and I adulate utilizing it and materializing into a supreme imbecile. 

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub Phylum- The Intellectuals.
Class-  The Actual Intellectuals
Motto-No comments.
About Me- My blogs make sense. Period. I don't give a crap to the followers OR the comments on it. But yes, I'd appreciate the feedback.

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum- Yo chill, Bro,
Class- The eccentrics
Tagline- "I'm random, I'm so random that I'm a retard... YAHOOOOOOOO fugggggers!...."
About Me-  I take it easy, yo, have fun at my space!

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum- Yo chill, Bro.
Class- The Hippies
Tagline- Meth. Weed. Pot.
About Me- "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........................D-uh."

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum-  Foreign Languages
Class-  Incomprehensible Bloggers
Tagline-  Hva? Шта? וואָס?
About Me- Dagen har vært ruste opp for noen s [ectacular ytelse. Blah blah /Mine studier er ikke imporving mens humøret mitt har forverret segbetraktelig ... Jeg håper du forstår.
P.S.- Gewgle Translate our friend best.

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub Phylum- The Sickos.
Class-  Sexual Predators
Motto-" mmmmmm... you're 16 huh? Where's your contact id..."/ 
           "I saw her _____  and I couldn't contain my ________"
About Me- Like I said.. when I read about her day I was all _________ and then I stalked ALL her profiles and sent her a message inviting her to _________.

(Category that I do not mock out of respect/ lack of knowledge regarding their subjects)

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum- Devout Christians
Class-  The Jesus Bloggers
Tagline- " May the Lord bless you."
About Me- Welcome stranger, to the unknown realms of this beautiful created by the Lord. I have some key words- The Lord, Gospel, Moses.....Bethlehem...Almighty.... 1.12.etc etc etc

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum- Family
Class- Mommy Blogger/ Daddy Bloggers
Tagline- "My children are my worrrrrrrrrld"
About Me- Hi! I hope you're not single because we don't usually get single readers! We follow other families and other families follow us and we make one big HUGE blogging family out of it. Our children- since the moment they were fotesuses, have been photographed and posted on this blog..if you're interested....

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum- I.T sector
Class- Techie Bloggers
Tagline-  "So I heard.... terabyte has been defeated by the mother of all bytes..."
About Me (keywords)- Code Wars, Video Games, Counter strike, high tech gadgets...blahblahblah....bytes bytes

Phylum- Bloggers
Sub-Phylum-  Hospitality
Class-  The Cooks/ Za 'fashionistas'/Travellogues/ Literary feedbacks
Tagline-  None.
About Me- Well, what to say, it is no secret... in reality, we ARE the highest in the blog hierarchy \m/ Intellectuals can go suck it...................- in style.

Phylum- Bloggers
Class-  Therapeutic bloggers.
No further comments. These guys are just sad.

BLOGTIQUETTES (Five Commandments)

Ah. now this is my favorite part. Once you figure out, exactly what kind you're dealing with, you start analysing your response- over friendly, normal, just fine or no response.

But  before that, you need to know the rules

rule No.1 of Blogtiquettes say that you better comment if you want one too ANDDD, if someone visits your blog, you visit 'em right back if you want them to keep coming back for more.

rule No. 2  Don't flirt on comment section. It's pathetic. It is like that scene of crime you NEVER want to frequent. Firstly- most bloggers are anon or fake id' best not to get too "you're my life"ish on people. Secondly, it's like a GROSS SCENE for other bloggers. Really. Trust me, you don't know what words can do. Especially mushy ones.

rule No. 3 Don't overdo the friendship. Friends are fine, but when you start sending facebook friend requests, google plus invites, skype, yahoo, gtalk, youtube requests and requests in every bloody part of a fellow blogger's virtual life without any initiation from their side, you should know- You're on the red list.
(Now what IS a red list? Answer- Something not very pleasant.)

rule No. 4 My baby steps in the blogging world were mostly this- BLOOOOGGGGGGGER FIGHTS. Oh, they're Fun. Absolutely FUN. Since they are pretty much pointless, and absolute waste of time just remember to get to it when you have nothing else to do as they can stretch for a loooooong time.
Oh, by the way- don't delete your comments and try to keep your dignity. People get to know when you delete it AND people can read what you wrote.... even 10 years down the line. You don't want that, do you?

rule No. 5 Try NOT to be a racist. Racism is a BIG NO-NO. It's fine on a humorous note, but remember to put that annoying abbreviation "jk": next to it if you are. It's a public platform, behave yourself.

Bonus point- And please don't make the entire blog a family gathering of sorts where just about everyone ranging from your grandfolks to little cousins can read everything you write and compliment you.That is weird.

You can try these :)

  • Always neutralise. You write a sad post three consecutive times? Better get back up and keep the adrenaline high for the next one, because chances are- otherwise someone's gonna mail you a psychologist's address OR even better- unfollow you.You don't have to always fake the first point. You can actually CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER UP. Unless you're one of those subject related blogs (who by the way, could do with some light posts) it's best if you use the blog as a therapy- try to be happy. Remember my awesome theory..It's called theory.
The THEORY- Be happy.

  • So... why not start this aim of happiness from a blog?  The entire world has access to your blog (public ones, atleast) it's best if you try not to depress them along with you. Trust me, nobody is blog hopping with the hope to cry.
  •   If your friends are the only ones on your blog, TIME TO PREP IT UP. Jazz your blog, get pictures, images, SPLASH 'EM around, and make your blog one very hot place to be in- polls, music, fish tanks, dogs, cheap cartoons like in my case- you know how the magic works, right? 
  • Finally My personal favorite- And when all this is done, what is the last thing you should care about? You have to be yourself.And OHHHH YES, you can be yourself. I'm crazy and judgemental, not everybody is like that.
So lemme rephrase it- You GOT to be yourself. You have to let the blog be that part of you- that has the best- creamy creativity, emotions, knowledge. Let it be the place where you start growing up.
That'd be all for now. Congratulations, this line means that you've reached the end of this wannabe essay and have wasted a LOT of your time. 

You can thank that girl who doubled her followers for this crap post. I wasn't planning to publish this until I heard her story.

P.S. And oh for God's sake, to all those who hound around for followers. Stop IT. Just enjoy blogging and check your Stats page once in a while to see your Hits.
I got one from Monaco this week. Pretty cool huh?

Much love,


Aneesh said...

Reading this at 4 45 am but that doesnt chage the fact that u are somehow a mix of different blogger types...i was leaning on just the random retard one but that really doesnt cover it.
Good go study for your boards

NG said...

Made for a pretty awesome read in the backdrop of The Rolling Stones :)

PS: You've been upgraded to my favorite 5 bloggers' list :)

Anonymous said...

Bwahahaha that girl must be a crappy writer and all. DO share a bloglink so that I can go laugh at her blog ON her blog!

nil said...

I'm bookmarking this, right fugging now.

Priyanka Banerjee said...

Hahaha! Loved this. Very entertaining. And that girl was desperate huh? All Asian blogs? Really? Why did she stop there? :O


Anonymous said...

Hahahaha!!!! Nice post! Funny and what subtlety you got when it comes down to stripping people from top to bottom! I agree it's a followers crazy blogger world.

Love that you have "bullock carts" as a tag to this post!

Baba Vaniteshwar said...

Heyyyyyyyyyyy! Waooooooooooooow! Your blog is SO AMAZING! And OHHH! YOU WRITE SUCH AMAZING STUFF! ITS ALL SO INTELLECTUAL! And ohhhh you're GORGEOUSSSSSSSS! You're beauty with brains! My luck! I would love to be friends with you, girlfriend! xoxo. =)

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you'll think of it as a compliment .. BUT I think you'd make an excellent stand-up comedian :D

Really beentheredonethat huh? ^_^

Remya said...

@Aneesh- It's 4:40 a.m. and I'm replying to the comment section of my blog. So, I dont think that comment fazes me, bro :*
Oh! And I'll call you back sometime in the afternoon today!

@NG- I know. Rolling Stones rock badass, dont they? They even make my substandard posts look cool. Why do you think I have them on my playlist ;)
Oh, and thank you loooads for the favorite blog thing.:)

Remya said...

@Nil- Do it, baby, do it :P

@Priyanka- Hahaahaha! "Why'd she stop there?" Good question! Maybe she's a racist ;D

@Anon- Oh My God! You rock! You're the only person to notice the bullock carts thingie. I believe It was the BEST part of the whole post!

Remya said...

@Vanta- OWOWOWOWWOWOWOWOW. Girlfraaaaaaaaaaand. Ya think so? Me Thinks you mah soulmate BFFFFFFFF <3

@aNON- Are you kidding me? I wish you weren't anonymous. I found that to be thee best comment of all. Nobody's ever called me funny before. This is just a touching moment..
Oh..I'd like to thank my parents, my sister, my bulldog, my neighbours, my friends, my enemies, the President of the United States of Bosnia, The Baltic community, the snipers trying to kill me. All of you make me who I am. And last of all, I'd like to thank you- My only fan- an anonymous commenter for provoking a really long comment from me. Thank you.
Oh- TRAVEL TO AUSTRALIA! (Endorsements! pfft!)

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@Priyanka- Hahaahaha! "Why'd she stop there?

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