Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I lied..

I woke up with a start.
It was a bad dream.
It was difficult to open my eyes and I squeezed them shut again. I found the reason why I had gotten up. The same song..the song that I had been trying to avoid for the past two weeks had filled in my ears. I heard the soft notes of Kelly Clarkson. The one, that I had fallen in love with, a few months back. I groped for my mp3 in the darkness and fumbled with the buttons.
Pause! Pause! Pause!.
My mind screamed , agitated..
I finally found the stop button and pressed it hard. My mind breathed again.

No, I don't want to sing it. Ever again.
Because I lied when I said that not being able to sing at Cloudburst didn't hurt me. It did.

And as I tried hard not to remember the details of the day, I squeezed my eyes shut again. I got up and turned on the light.
The window beside my study reflected pitch darkness. 5:30 in the evening?
I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were so puffy, my face was so swollen. I ignored it all and took a breath.

No, I don't want to think about laughters. Ever again.
Because I lied when I said to him that I won't be hurt. It hurt. It did. Really bad.

I called out to my mother asking her if she wanted some coffee..and as I turned on the coffee-maker.. I looked out the window.
And for the first time, I felt suffocated. I felt suffocated looking at the grey clouds, the wet shiny roads.
And I realized that how for the next few months, I don't want to get wet in the rain. Never.
Because I lied when I said that I'll be strong. And all that the rains will remind me of- is my disgust for myself.



Charu said...

Even more moving than the first part...because it feels completely honest.
No one can say life is easy. The thorns, the tears, the fake smiles, the lies...what can I say? Grief is felt alone.
But when you feel ready, share the sadness and celebrate the fact that people care. Because as I say, it is when you share your joy, that others share your grief.

Charu said...

Oh, and try to bring back what I might call 'the crazy, manic, retarded grin'. It's special.

The Bald Guy said...

It's a phase. Take it easy.

Thousif Raza said...

all i can say is... write abt it just as i did... like a poem or something like that... you'll have a memory and the same will help you get back on your feet... :) becasue i exactly know how it feels... stay strong and dont do no wrong k :)

take care and keep writing.......