Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I lied..

I woke up with a start.
It was a bad dream.
It was difficult to open my eyes and I squeezed them shut again. I found the reason why I had gotten up. The same song..the song that I had been trying to avoid for the past two weeks had filled in my ears. I heard the soft notes of Kelly Clarkson. The one, that I had fallen in love with, a few months back. I groped for my mp3 in the darkness and fumbled with the buttons.
Pause! Pause! Pause!.
My mind screamed , agitated..
I finally found the stop button and pressed it hard. My mind breathed again.

No, I don't want to sing it. Ever again.
Because I lied when I said that not being able to sing at Cloudburst didn't hurt me. It did.

And as I tried hard not to remember the details of the day, I squeezed my eyes shut again. I got up and turned on the light.
The window beside my study reflected pitch darkness. Strange....at 5:30 in the evening?
I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were so puffy, my face was so swollen. I ignored it all and took a breath.

No, I don't want to think about laughters. Ever again.
Because I lied when I said to him that I won't be hurt. It hurt. It did. Really bad.

I called out to my mother asking her if she wanted some coffee..and as I turned on the coffee-maker.. I looked out the window.
And for the first time, I felt suffocated. I felt suffocated looking at the grey clouds, the wet shiny roads.
And I realized that how for the next few months, I don't want to get wet in the rain. Never.
Because I lied when I said that I'll be strong. And all that the rains will remind me of- is my disgust for myself.


Remya.

4 comments:

Charu said...

Even more moving than the first part...because it feels completely honest.
No one can say life is easy. The thorns, the tears, the fake smiles, the lies...what can I say? Grief is felt alone.
But when you feel ready, share the sadness and celebrate the fact that people care. Because as I say, it is when you share your joy, that others share your grief.

Charu said...

Oh, and try to bring back what I might call 'the crazy, manic, retarded grin'. It's special.

The Bald Guy said...

It's a phase. Take it easy.

Thousif Raza said...

all i can say is... write abt it just as i did... like a poem or something like that... you'll have a memory and the same will help you get back on your feet... :) becasue i exactly know how it feels... stay strong and dont do no wrong k :)


take care and keep writing.......