Mom came and was shouting some unattractive words about my "complete lack of social and personal hygiene as well as any sense of discipline with regard of being a 16 yr old."
"15" I muttered absent-mindedly.
She muttered a very not-so-colorful word under her breath. But I was least bothered. Exhausted was my state of mind.
Then there came a commercial.
"Yeah..big deal", you'll say.."A commercial? So what?"
This one was beautiful. Actually..commercials of banks aren't exactly "beautiful". But I dunno...there was something so peaceful about it.
Few women clad in breathtaking gowns were playing imaginary violins...a composer in the Scottish highlands standing and directing a melody formed by a fleet of birds...Music in thin air would be an expression to describe it.
The wind swirled in slow motion, a lone human in the woods. The canopy glittered in the sun displaying a plethora of exquisite colors. The slow melody in the background revealed melancholy that many musicians waste their lifetime trying to capture. The alluring spectrum beautifully captured, the slow motion of the woods, and the highlands were something that never can be justified with words.
Maybe the commercial lasted for a minute or two, but I was so completely immersed in the mesmerising visuals that were being conjured by my own mind that I never it had ended. I didn't want to shake myself off my distracted musing--in more apt words--my reverie. For me, they're a world separate from today. Something that comes from inside to make you realize what you really want. And I knew what I really wanted at that particular time. I wanted music and I wanted the world.
Now by world, I do not mean the possessions or other materialistic objects...I wanted a world wit its beauty. With its charm, its charisma, it's spell-binding and bewitching landscapes...it's sky, the greenery, the mountains..the birds, and no humans. Just nature. Nature and me.
A wish that is unlikely to be fulfilled but well, what is life without the fantasising part right?
And I looked at my mother, poring over a book titled "Living With Honor" by Shiv Khera. My brows furrowed.
"Yes!?" She snapped.
"What'll you say if I took a year off and decided to travel?"
"What do you mean by 'taking a year-off'" ?
"I mean," I said patient and apprehensive at the same time, "What if I decided to leave studies for a year or so and decided to travel around the country?"
"Chinnu don't say nonsense."
Whoa. Oh-kay. Hang on there. Nonsense?
I didn't see anything even close to nonsense there. It was a genuine question.
I asked something that was really bothering me at that point of time.
"Mommy I'm not even close to joking around , I'm sedate here."
She turned and took a look at me, her specs emphasising her teacher looks.
"Well it won't be the best option to choose and something that'll be strongly opposed by me."
"And why is that?" I challenged.
"Because life is practical. Wanderers don't always survive."
"Well then I guess I'm not living long then." I snapped irritatedly.
"Keep quite. You're just in a reflective mood right now. Get over it and become the practical one that you are."
"Well, What if I don't want to be that? What if, for argument's sake, I want to be a wanderer. I want to be a musician and not some goddamn lawyer who wants to defend people? What if, I do not have the Economic Honors degree in my hand but a guitar? What if I just want to be what I want to be and be happy in life?"
Okay, I hit the nail now. She slammed the book shut.
"Listen young woman, Your father and I have never imposed any decision on you. All the professions that you just mentioned are your own choice. Your own decisions. We never interfered. Don't get that tone with me."
"Maybe I just took the decisions because I wanted to be practical. What if right now, I decide to become a musician for my own happiness?Leaving the practicalities aside."
"Happiness comes when you make others happy."
"So that means I sacrifice my dreams?""I never told you so."
"Your context implied so."
"It did not. And as far as your dreams are concerned, we've never banned you from doing anything, music or literature or anything for that matter. You do what you want. But make sure you are acting practically so that you secure a happy future too."
"That sounded like an investment ad." I brood.
"Well considering the fact that all of these thoughts of your just arose from some Bank's commercial, I think life investment is still a step ahead."
I open my mouth to ask how she knew that all of this came from the particular commercial but she raises a finger to silence me and goes back to her book.
But still, I cannot help thinking that my mother's afraid. Afraid that I'll follow my dreams and face disappointment in the big bad world. Afraid that her little girl will feel sad because of her dreams. Pretty pessimistic huh? But that's what mother's try to do right? Try to shade yoju from the hurt and disappointments, try to keep you in their protective care for as long as they can..
I know that even though she managed my questions this time with an air of unimportance, but somehow it's unruffled her. Her eyes don't look that calm while reading her book now. I don't blame her. India isn't exactly the land to dream.
To make it big, either you have to be the best or you choose the simpler and undignified way. Which, I'm not planning to undertake.
Besides, English music will never be the first priority of music directors here. Struggle is the only path that I can seek refuge in.
And knowing me, maybe I just might choose to go follow that path. Maybe I just might choose to go in a direction that nobody wishes me to go to, fearing the letdowns that I may have to encounter, but till then; I , the traveller from within, will always dream of places that I've never visited. I, the appreciator of music, will always dream of the emotions experienced by a musician when he sings at a concert, I, the human will always question the situation, asking,